Someday we'll all be stars...

I'm trying really hard, but this gets harder and harder. I am trying very hard to be supportive and not selfish. Maybe I have always been a bit selfish without realizing it. I just work hard and expect a lot in return, which I guess I should not do. It's tricky to find the balance between getting walked all over and being extremely self-centered. I really need help with this.

I hope that this works out for the best. I feel like I'm standing in quicksand lately and any move that I attempt will send me deeper into the muck. I feel like such a non-entity, and it scares me. 

Jeremy's mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, which I am concerned about, but in a single week I have been cut from the family loop. I am a bit in shock. I know that this cannot be helped, but I have felt like the last thing on his list for so very long that this situation makes it even more apparent. I love them very much and I am trying to be hopeful and supportive, but all of my plans have become nothing. I do not have many people to talk to here and I was really looking forward to him taking a more active interest in my grad school decision since my hope was for him to visit me or at least act somewhat interested in making a life with me outside of his parental nest. I feel terrible for thinking this way, but it would not be so bad if things had not been strained already.

So, I feel quite alone right now. This is when I needed his support the most. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about it, and it gets old to keep going to the school counselor every week to hear the same old "just go get medication or try yoga" tirade. It is incredibly discouraging to be pushed aside for weeks and make plans well in advance that result in nothing and then, when unavoidable catastrophes arise, feel even more isolated.

I guess I am a selfish person. I want his mom to get better, I really do. She's become like my own mother, but I really don't understand that I'm family one day and then locked out the next. I am a bit in shock about everything that has happened this week. He says that he wants to spend as much time as possible with his mom, which is completely understandable, but I just don't know what it means for me (for weeks? months? should we even be dating since he is so busy?).

How could I have become so terrible? He is a good man. Hardworking, committed to his friends, and a good heart. What is wrong with me that I can't get over this feeling of not being a priority? I know he cares about me in some abstract/friend sense, but I feel like I'm not even on the radar to him lately. That's the best description I can come up with. He doesn't come to visit me, despite the fact that I visit him even when I'm exhausted. He doesn't take any interest in my work or my goals for my future. I feel like no one really cares about what I do or where I go or who I meet or whatever. In the matter of a few months it's been turned into shit. I have worked so hard to get here and now it doesn't seem to matter much, to me or anyone else, really. It's heartbreaking and existential crisis material.

Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe I just need to not need him. I love him so much, but I feel like a lovesick puppy following him around all the time. I want him to follow ME around once in awhile. I want him to WANT me, to PROVE it to me, to let the whole world know that he is committed to me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a snake and so ungrateful, I know. 

What is wrong with me...

Maybe everyone expects the best from me anyways, maybe it doesn't mean anything anymore to be the best. Maybe I should try being shit for awhile and then go back to doing well. Maybe I should do things that they don't expect of me. Then it WOULD be apparent that I want their attention.

I know that no one really reads this or even cares, but this is the only "person" I feel like I can talk to without being judged. I miss Katie and I miss Heather. I just wish I had someone here that understood. 

So, the past six months have flown by and I thought I'd write an update for everyone here in LJland.

First and foremost, I am incredibly blessed. There are days when I cannot believe how much goodness that I have in my life. It overwhelms me at times. I do respect others' beliefs, but I cannot imagine my life without God. There is undeniable evidence of his Plan all around us, and, more personally, in my life. I do not claim to fully understand this. I do have faith because, aside from the unavoidable and often poignant tragedies of our current society, there still exists great beauty in our world. In my life, I have been given a golden ticket thus far. Sure, I have done some wo on my own, but every decision I make, every leaning I have had towards some greater good, I believe is guided by a merciful and intelligent Hand. There are so many opportunities that have utterly astounded me in my personal and academic lives.

My family is my greatest strength, and I in them I have a gift that will never be taken for granted. I have been around long enough to understand that so many others do not have a supportive and loving family, and I appreciate them now more than ever. From scraped knees to math homework to driving lessons, they have done it all and they make me proud. They are not normal, but that is not our way. I once was shy and embarrassed by my family's collectively excentric personality, but I have come to rely on their gruff but loveable approach to life. I believe that those with a true passion for life and laughter make the most exceptional human beings.

I have grown up in a rural setting, and I would not trade an iota of a second of it for a "classier" upbringing. Those of you who have never spent an evening in a cousin's barn listening to local bluegrass music and eating homemade cobbler do not know what you are missing. I have been to other countries and made many friends in other cities, and I understand now that my heart will always come home to the hills of North Georgia. It makes travel that much more bittersweet when combined with the comfort of truly knowing your roots.

I have learned so much in the past two years. I have made friends and lost touch with some, and I have learned that years do not matter when it comes to old friends. People may or may not change, but good living and kindness will always win out in the end. I have learned about my weaknesses and strengths. I will own my mistakes, and I will not make excuses. I will stop being afraid of what others think of me, and I will learn to love myself.

The next month will be exciting, terrifying, and exceptionally brilliant. I will be faced with a life-altering decision to make. Well, I suppose the first decision is done with--I want to go to grad school. I had an epiphany about two and half years ago when I first declared a chemistry major (evidence of a greater plan); the thought of trying for a Ph.D. came to me as easy as breathing. I have never been afraid of a challenge. I have been nervous about the details involved with moving away, being apart from my loved ones, and adjusting to being a teacher AND a student all in one, but, as far as the actual challenge, I have always considered it deplorable not to do my very best. I am no genius, and I will never claim to be such. The secrets to this life are hard work, passion, and faith. Kindness and respect can bring enormous joy to your life.

The next decision will be of a higher caliber: Where do I wish to spend the next 4-5 years of my life? Now, some might think that every school experience is the same, but I can promise you the opposite. After taking about six months to make contacts in each program, I applied early, and I received acceptances from UGA and Clemson in December. January has been a long month waiting for news from all of my schools--I still had not heard from Emory or GSU. Last Friday, I received a message that I would be invited for an interview for admission into Emory's chemistry department. Granted it is only an interview, it is also a chance for me to show them that I am more than the numbers on my application. This invitation came as a surprise to me, not because I am not worthy of their program, but because my GRE scores were less than stellar. The average quantitative score for my field is around 750; my score was a 590. I admit that my verbal score of 560 is higher than the 400 average for my field, but I think that most departments weigh the quant. section more heavily. So, needless to say, I am honored to have a chance for an interview. Even if they do not choose for me to join their department, I can always make new contacts.

I look forward to this next month's excitement with optimism and hope. I also look forward to completing my senior requirements and graduating in May. I am trying to enjoy these last few months at my small school with my caring professors. I know that these, too, are a gift not to be taken for granted. It will be a new start, for certain.

I love you guys (and gals)! It's time to hit the hay.

I have been quite busy lately, but here are a few updates...

I went to the doctor this past Friday. I was referred to an ear specialist due to the perforation in my left eardrum being much larger than the last visit. Hopefully, it won't be anything too serious. My blood work was fine, but I was given orders to talk with the counselor here on campus and then to get back with my doctor later with the possibility of medication to help with my emotional issues. I'd prefer to not be on any drugs, so I told her I'd check in with the school counselor and/or a psychiatrist. 

I need to go study some more for my next GRE round. Also, I have three exams next week. Isn't it great when they come all at once?

More later.

So, I've been pretty busy lately getting settled here on campus. With the help of my parental units and cousin I finally have my room looking hospitable. 

I have been working out this week using both a cardio/weights video and a written weights routine for myself. I am sore all over, but it feels good. I figured since Jeremy was trying to get into shape that I might as well come up with a routine for myself. My goal is to do at least 30 min. a day of cardio and at least 3 sets of each exercise with weights, focusing on my problem areas (arms, thighs, stomach). Hopefully, I'll start seeing results in a few weeks if I stick with it and continue my good eating habits.

I've only been to class for a week now and already I am enjoying my classes. It's good to be back and I look forward to starting my senior research with Dr. Elrod soon. I am focused on finishing applications, studying a bit more for the GRE, and also on getting everything ready for the regional ACS meeting in Greenville, SC in October. All this and homework, too.

My cousin, Tye, passed away this past weekend from a lung infection--he was only 35. We are going to the memorial services on Saturday in McDonough, GA to support Ally. It came as quite a shock to us all, and he will be greatly missed.

Jeremy and I are giving blood on Saturday morning, too. It'll be a busy day, I'm sure. But it'll be good to spend time with family.

I am looking forward to Labor Day weekend and also to Fall Break, but I've got to get to work between now and then.

Off to physics lab.